Finding The Missing Pieces

 
 
 
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    A college student's journey to put herself back together
     
    Yet Another I-Should-Really-Be-Sleeping Moment April 27th, 2016

    So I haven’t been functioning well recently. Between my family being jerks (silence your cellphones, turn off your iPhones, and silence your pagers, because the latest film installment of Brain Wars is about to begin! * Kidding aside, it sucks), my memory playing tricks on me, and me getting headaches (plus my sense of self taking a beating from my family. **), I’m not doing well. And I’m realizing something…I think in between stuff like Dad insulting me and Mom getting in my personal space, they’re trying to get a rise out of me, and I fall for it every time or I back away in fear. I’m thinking of striking a balance here. I might have to talk with my for-the-time-being therapist (as I’m switching to an adult one and I’m scared shitless) about not only staying in my body but learning how to be around my “suspects” (because I’m kind of still on the fence, which makes things worse. If I was sure, it would be easy to just say, “Fuck them, they’re assholes”, but I’m not. Not really) and not rise to the bait.

    And the thing is, I seem to alternate between being optimistic and being a cynic. There’s a scene in Storm of the Century where Mike Anderson decides to call out Andre Linoge on the latter’s main shtick: basically, reading their various sins (ranging from selling drugs to just really, really heinous shit. Because it’s kind of one of Stephen King’s…well, King-isms. Basically, towns with a lot of skeletons in their closet that just seem like every other town you drive through). Mike accuses Linoge of seeing only the bad, none of the good, and Linoge says, “By and large, Constable, the good’s an illusion. Little tables folks tell themselves to get through the day without screaming too much.”

    Honestly, I seem to alternate a bit. I think by and large, I am a Mike Anderson at heart — trying to be the good girl, believing in the goodness of people, etc. (Seriously, Mike’s worst sin? Cheating on an exam in college. *** Pretty bad, but it doesn’t even come close to some of the more repulsive shit that comes up in the miniseries — and believe me, some of the more repulsive shit that comes up really makes up a good chunk of the horror, besides Colm Feore playing sinister to the hilt. It’s sort of like shining a light on the worst of what people can do) And then there’s moments where I just get really sick and tired of bullshit and end up being Linoge (though I don’t read minds. It could be a nifty tool, but I think it could also lead me to dealing with truths I could do without). I think in a way, both sides are right — there are assholes out there, and there are assholes who kind of use the good as a rationalization. But there are good people out there too, and when they’re good…well, they’re amazing.

    So I guess here, the bad and good do coexist. There were wonderful, beautiful times, but there were also times I’m questioning. And conversely, there are grade-A douchebags out there: Donald Trump, possibly Hillary Clinton based on stuff I heard about her recently (seriously, is there a politician out there who isn’t somehow a scumbag?), the False Memory Syndrome Foundation (a friend of mine filled me in on the details of these guys and yikes. **** I’m all the more grateful to my brother for telling me, when I was first doing my research, to stay away from those guys. God bless him), and a lot more. But there are good people out there too, and we should definitely hold onto those good people for dear life. Good people are pretty valuable; we definitely shouldn’t take them for granted.

    So yeah. Good and bad. Light and dark. I admit I’m still trying to incorporate that into my search. It’ll be hard, but hopefully, I can make it.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    * I mean, I swear, I can just see the opening credits. “Not so long ago in a suburbia far far away…” (Yeah, it’s either start cracking jokes or start breaking down, and I’d prefer it not to be the latter) And the title: Brain Wars, Episode Eight: We’re In Deep Shit.

    ** I mean, there were some golden years in there, I won’t deny. A lot of golden years. But I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t have moments of feeling minimized, etc. I guess some of that is to be expected (I mean, Linkin Park and Simple Plan wrote songs about that sort of thing), but it doesn’t make it any less shit. So I guess I have a balance of golden years, shit, and what-exactly-happened-here.

    *** Although (and this is where ladyrevan21 gets her analysis on) if I were to pick out Mike’s worst sin, it would be that he seems to be really naive/not the best judge of character. Good in a crisis, but he kind of downplays or denies some of the worse stuff he runs into (Jack Carver’s secret, Reverend Riggins’ crime). Then again, it could be interpreted as Mike saying that Little Tall Island isn’t just filled with assholes.

    **** Basically, the board has enough skeletons in their closet to make a graveyard.

    My family are creeps April 22nd, 2016

    I swear it’s like ever since I recovered that one flash, they’ve been acting creepy. I remember come 2015 in December when my dad was just…looking over my shoulder, waiting outside the bathroom as if waiting for me to take a shower and put down my phone (which I finally put a stop to just by telling him to back off) and things like that. Not to mention my doctors are being jerks. My psychiatrist, for example — she is a nice woman, don’t get me wrong (most of the time she is), but she’s assuming it’s OCD that’s causing my problems. No. It’s. Not. It’s not like that at all. And frankly, that’s kind of insulting. I mean, yeah, I might have anxiety and OCD but that doesn’t mean that my perceptions are fucked up; it doesn’t mean that I’m stupid, for God’s sake. Times like this is why I trust the Internet more than my family. I think that’s why they hate the Internet so much. They want to stay as ignorant and close-minded as they can and because I’m stuck in college trying to get a degree and such, I can’t just go very low contact/no contact. I can’t just get out of here. In addition, they’re trying to control my sleep schedule like I’m some sort of child even though I’m in college, for Christ’s sakes. My dad’s even said, basically, that I don’t deserve to be treated like an adult (and this coming from the man who basically throws tantrums when he loses an argument with my mom, so…pot calling the kettle black, Dad).

    *Sighs*

    I shouldn’t say any of this, but my family are just being incredibly. Goddamn. Creepy. It’s not enough that they don’t believe that I have good fucking reasons to be worried about things, but then they have to stalk me, treat me like a child, things like that. Then again, Dad’s never given a shit about what I had to say, so…must be a day ending in “y”, I guess. I don’t even want to believe the worst of them, but they’re giving me good fucking reasons to hate them. They’re ignorant, insensitive, they’ve got their heads in the sand, they actually do think people lie about child abuse…all that crap. They’re assholes. I mean, fortunately I get to possibly get away from them in two months (July, to be more precise) so…I can at least keep counting down the months and try and take care of myself. And while at camp, I am going to make a point of having as little contact with them as possible.