Finding The Missing Pieces

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    A college student's journey to put herself back together
    Found a new piece April 22nd, 2016

    It was, ironically, speaking with my psychiatrist (and granted, she didn’t quite believe me. I guess it makes sense; I don’t believe myself, honestly) that got me to recover this next piece of the image (the one with my dad) — basically, that the image cropped up not long after (from what I can recall) I accidentally walked in on my dad showering. It’s not reassuring (I mean, I have OCD, but I doubt even my OCD is capable of that shit. As far as where my OCD came from? My best bet is that I inherited the damn thing, considering that my mom also has it), but it is heartening that I can get a chronology. That definitely helps. It’s not much, but it helps. It also brings up the possibility that I could have drawn a picture in my mind (weird, but it happens) to explain something. Still not reassuring, but I got some chronology on the thing, which is a pretty important clue.

    Honestly, I’m not going to be jumping to too many conclusions here. I’m still figuring stuff out. Which is frustrating, but it’ll have to do. But it at least means that in acknowledging it that I can tell myself, “It’s okay. You don’t have to have the same kinks as everyone else.”

    Also, from what I remember of my sessions with my psychiatrist (and I’m not ruling out anything, honestly, I’m just making some notes on what I was like as a kid to make some reference), I started meeting with her at eight years old for anxiety, and I don’t think I ever worried about anything bad going on at home. I guess it’s just recently, I’ve been reexamining some things that I don’t know are normal or not, and considering certain issues I have, it makes things more complicated. Best I can do is follow the psychiatrist’s orders and get some good sleep, get outside (I mean, it’s not winter anymore. I ¬†guess I’ve been afraid at times to leave the house, for a long while. I don’t know what it is, but it is some sort of anxiety) and generally do stuff to nurture myself. I deserve that much. I guess I’m so used to “I’m going to kick this thing’s ass” that I don’t know how to react to the idea of something that came naturally.

    But I can do this. Still investigating; hopefully it’s not as bad as it seems.


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