Finding The Missing Pieces

 
 
 
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    A college student's journey to put herself back together
     
    Found another piece of things April 21st, 2016

    First off, I want to thank Ellen Bass and Laura Davis for this. I mean, if they hadn’t had that whole “Breaking Silence” exercise I kept putting off, I wouldn’t have actually come to this realization. I mostly did it as a memory retrieval exercise, as I was incredibly fuzzy in regards to details on the shit that I was worried about. I wrote about the context of my childhood, and it was there that I dug up two pieces that were more related than you think. Probably trivial ones, but interesting. (Every piece counts, after all)

    The first one was that I used to be in the TGWTG fandom, and in 2011, Suburban Knights came out. (Those were actually good times; I actually looked forward to when each installment would come out. They weren’t Shakespeare, but to a sixteen or seventeen-year-old, they were entertaining enough) And there’s a scene where the Nostalgia Critic kind of sits improperly (sort of the skirt of his costume — it was a Link costume, just to be more specific — flipped up exposing his underpants) and along with some amusement I guess I also felt a bit of Squick. Some of the people I was friends with at the time found it a turn-on/Female Gaze-y, but I didn’t. There was just something about it that kind of made me uneasy.

    The next piece is something that is probably inconsequential but I just have a creepy feeling about (and that newly recovered what-is-this-image doesn’t help at all) — basically, an incident where I might have (and the details are fuzzy, so bear with me) accidentally walked in on my dad showering and…let’s say that I don’t know how old I was (probably eight or nine because that’s when Mom said I had issues with boundaries), but I accidentally got the full-frontal view, and had some reactions that…I can’t quite remember them, on second thought, but they were kind of odd. Not like running away and crying hysterically, but just…odd.

    Like I said, details are fuzzy, but it at least makes sense. Whatever happened, it definitely left its share of trauma (as I think accidentally seeing your dad naked would definitely be enough to freak a kid out. I’ve heard of families who shower or bathe with their kids and though by and large it is normal, I don’t know if I could do that. Mom actually said she didn’t do the co-bathing thing with me because (a) she had a UTI at the time and (b) the idea of co-bathing kind of Squicked her out. *) which makes at least one part fall into place. Considering that the whole sexuality aspect played a good if not big part in my current estrangement from the TGWTG fandom (and I say that because if you take a good look at things now, you’d get why I walked away), that one incident might have had a bigger impact on me than I thought. It can’t be possible and yet…it kind of makes sense. It at least makes me feel less freakish. Like, prior to this, I would have felt just downright awful for not falling in line with the Female Gaze. But now…now I can accept it. It’s okay, eighteen to nineteen year old me. Not everyone in the world likes the same stuff. I don’t know what happened — for all intents and purposes it’s just good old fashioned Brain Bleach worthy stuff — but I can at least comfort that part of me. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Honest. Granted, you lost your temper, but the matter of the genital stuff…not your fault.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    *I guess it’s all right. I mean, not every family in the world enjoys co-bathing.

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