Finding The Missing Pieces

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    A college student's journey to put herself back together
    First post, how are things going? April 20th, 2016

    Let’s say that starting out, I’m definitely excited about this, even if I’m not exactly feeling too great. Best I can describe this is that I feel pretty sniffly and ill, which, ever since I started out on this whole journey seems to be frequent. I tend to get headaches when bits of memory are coming up, and I tend to get more short-tempered and irritable, although that just seems to be my default mood.

    Best I can do for the backstory is that I have a fear that I may have been sexually abused. It’s mostly a creeping feeling; I don’t know for sure. It’s something I would not have even thought twice about if not for a flash that came up last year; it’s something that I’ve always had, but I felt a new sort of terror just seeing it again. It’s basically me in a bathroom (I must have at least been a kid — doing some meditation for my headaches suggests that I might have been elementary school age, but that can’t be the case because I can’t remember any procedures that might have happened then), getting cleaned or having cream put on my genitals by someone (I know my parents are there, but I’m not sure who was doing the application) and I’m having a creeping sort of fear of being inappropriately touched. (Closest I can approximate from my parents is eighteen months, but eighteen-month-olds aren’t usually worried about this shit, at least not in concrete words) I’m also very disturbed by my mom. I love her dearly, but some of her actions, reflecting back are a bit…questionable.

    To make things “better”, I have a new piece that I don’t know if it’s a memory or not but I’ve had it since I was quite young, of having oral sex forced on me as a kid. I don’t think it actually happened, though — I didn’t know what oral sex was until middle school. My guidance counselor suggested it was an intrusive thought, but…I dunno, whatever it is, it isn’t good.

    What I do know for a fact is that when I did the research, I did learn that I had a lot of issues common to people who had gone through abuse (things that can be connected to other factors, but combined with my first emerging memories got me on edge). So far, I’m in neurofeedback and seem to be fighting a losing battle with trying to get new memories to come out, even if they do actually surface. It’s frustrating, honestly, and made worse by the fact I’m still in community college and jobless, so I can’t really leave.

    So yeah. Best I can do is work on my issues and hope for the best.

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